Reflection
Jan 2017
I didn't sleep well the other night. I saw each hour of the night displayed on the alarm clock. Maybe I stole some little slices of rest, but mostly I just failed at clearing my mind over and over again. School was starting the next morning, and, while I wasn't actively dreading it, perhaps by brain is just tired of it, unwilling to jump into the new semester. I teach good kids, and my coworkers and administration are great, but I just feel so bored, so unfulfilled. I haven't figured out what's so different this year than previous ones. I was a little bored then too, but not to this extent. I've thought about changing careers for almost a year now, but if that comes to fruition it probably won't be until the kids are in school.
Usually the New Year is a pretty happy time for me. I enjoy the nostalgia and thinking back over all the years I've lived so far, amazed at how time simultaneously flies and crawls. I haven't been able to muster that same feeling this January though. I feel behind: I should have more in savings, be further along in my career, be more involved in my community. I should have already made an impact on the lives of the those at the margins. I've changed my mind about my direction in life too many times. I have $27,000 in student loans for an unfinished PhD and a mostly useless Masters (fascinating and life-changing, but mostly useless). I have a loving, healthy, and beautiful little family, and all the great friends anyone could ask for, but I'm not sure those things have that much to do with me or the choices I've made.
I feel restless, like I have too much to do and to figure out, so many habits I need to form and change: floss more regularly, go running and workout, start my morning with some yoga, fix my lunch the night before, work on the house, read that book, read that other book, learn more about business and finance, start my blog up again, record some songs, get ahead on my lesson plans, figure out if I'm going to law school, call those parents back, finish nighttime potty-training my son, clean up the yard...
And of course, the inauguration is days away. I've hardly read the news since the summer. I'm just so exhausted by all the double-talk and double-think and spin and thoughtlessness and political theater. I'm just done with it all for awhile.
I keep waiting to feel settled. I thought our move to Jacksonville would be a big piece of that, and in some ways it has, but I'm still waiting for something to start or something to change, some new feeling of being on top of everything or having more of a grasp on my life and its trajectory. Like my sleepless night, I fear 2017 will pass with tossing and turning, watching the time tick by.